Inviting you to understand me
I'm just someone who exists online to you and i'm yapping about myself - You didn't ask for this
I write in times new roman because it's a requirement, school is my life, my validation to live lies in my schoolwork and writing. Whether it's times new roman on my computer or sloppy handwriting in my journal, my words hold nothing and everything to me. I often write from an isolated view of my life. I think about myself too much, constantly trying to figure things out - my writing is just questioning reality and it comes out in my schoolwork. I often blur the lines and I write like a novelist in my university essays, always getting a point off because that's not what my professor asked for. What do you mean, I'm not allowed to have a language like Kafka in my response about cancel culture?
Here's almost all of the books I have with me in New York. Been prioritizing reading - but reading leads to thinking and only god knows I’ve been avoiding my thoughts for too long. Here, my thoughts come flooding. I wish I still had the first books I owned, I would love to read them for the first time - because when I had them, I just stared at them, I couldn't decipher what the words meant, I knew nothing. I remember fragments of the time I read The Fault in Our Stars in 2014, I went to the bathroom to finish it alone, I found myself bawling my eyes out in the mirror. But the first books I read? I wish I remembered. Do you remember? I forget everything. I don't remember the most important parts of my childhood, I only remember the ones that did damage and some average memories. Maybe I don't fully love myself yet because I've yet to love my past self. At every moment of my life, I hated myself, at least just a little. I love myself so much but I sabotage my being. I feel like I don't live a good life, but I have one. I know everything about myself, but I make the same mistakes everyday. I work on it, but I fall behind every time. The solitude catches up with me. I fight my mind's urge everyday. If my mind won, I'd never speak to a soul again, not because I actually want that, but because I would sabotage myself so badly I would never be able to come back from it. Possibly maybe I could actually change. I feel it, I will change, all my tarot readings say so too. But everything comes back to childhood, I'm sorry mom if you are reading this. I feel my words are already being limited because I know your presence lies somewhere behind the screen. I write on paper because no one ever gets to see it, but I've always lived in the unconscious of my mind, and I let all my words go to waste. My words no longer hold meaning to me, I've thought them too much, I've written them too often, only for my eyes to see. I reread my words as if the viewer count will go up, but that doesn't exist on paper. If my writing is not fancy enough for you, just wait, I have all these dreams of writing a book… It's been on my mind a lot, the urge is so big it's itching me, but I'm still thinking. And none of you know my writing yet, so I want to publish smaller things along the way and I mostly just want to be your friend. It's funny, I say I want to write a book, but who am I talking to? This excites no one because you don’t know me, I’ve been silently existing, collecting my work and discarding it to the files. For that I won't apologize because I don't know if I'm worthy enough for you yet, you get to decide that.
I'm a senior in college now, life is catching up with me. I get scared to make decisions in the present because I know the future holds a different outcome. I change perspectives everyday. I'm avoidant because I feel like I will come up with a better outcome in the future, so in the now, I am always struggling. I write but I'm terrified to write. It means discovering parts of myself that I secretly want hidden. But I will never accept that, so I'm writing. Writing a lot of nothing. Is it ever good enough, can it just be? Can I just let it exist? I think too much, but sometimes I think little. I've been struggling with my sense of self since December. I've been hiding a lot. It's often out of my control, for sometimes I completely believe my words of destruction. But once I realize it was all false, that I was living in a false sense of self and world, I change, I realize that I just need to chill. It's my own thoughts that depress me, but I'm very polite with my sadness and I keep it hidden between my closed lips. And I know the best ways to isolate, but i'm trying to unlearn them because they don't serve me, it serves no one to isolate and my twenties aren't going to be the same as my teen years, I simply refuse.
So I'm reading a lot of normal literature, from authors who sound like me, they've lived a life long before me yet they still feel familiar. I've been using their experiences and revelations as my own, learning from them because every time I open a book every word written is a thought I've had before. A reason why I feel like I don't need to write. Yes I want to, but I don't need to, and there's nothing I'm adding to, for every author before me has already published fragments of my life without my consent. No, that's not really true, I was born in 2003, I've just started living so forgive me for being in a perpetual state of confusion, as I'm living in terrifying times of the world and I’m watching it all fall apart.
Here's to getting to know me a little bit, I'm always a bit hesitant to talk about myself because I usually don't know how to. But I've been in a state of solitude for three months and it broke me, but I did it to myself, so here I am just questioning why I continue to make decisions that hurt me, and here I am admitting this to no one in particular but you might be reading this - because it showed up in your email and you’re confused as to why I’m telling you all of this. But this is just the beginning of our relationship and I’m ready for my thoughts to exist where I don’t have to physically say them. It's a rare occasion you got this much out of me and you didn’t even ask for it but I told you anyway, because I want to build trust with you. I suspect I can connect with someone through the screen.
I’ll write to you later if you promise to come back.
Keep it up 👍🏿